Here’s To You, Reality

Posted on March 16, 2010. Filed under: Poetry | Tags: , , , , , , , , |

Feeling like I need a moment to enjoy just being still.

To take it all in – all that is around me.

To not analyse, or pick apart the things I see.

To not have to put meaning behind it all, but take it for what it is.

Sometimes, I spend time dreaming and missing the beauty of Reality,
It passes by as a whisper in my ear.

I realise, in my dream like state, I may have missed something amazing.

I know I like it here but sometimes and often,
I have to open my eyes.

To force myself to open my eyes.

To see the rose growing from the thorns.
The sun peering through clouds.
A smile through the tears.

Reality can be harsh, it’s meant to be sometimes.

But how beautiful it is to know that I have the freedom to check in or check out whenever I want.

So here’s to you, Reality;
A worthy friend and enemy.
You are bitter-sweet.

Because I know without your crudeness and uncertainty,
They’ll be no need for me to dream.

©  

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LONDON

Posted on March 5, 2010. Filed under: Poetry | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , |

London cries a lot.

Not more so than others, but still, a lot.

The tears aren’t empty though.
They are filled with the pain the streets contain.
The tears of those who walk these streets no longer flow.
Too many tears shed on their part. Much too many.

So London cries for them.

When it’s a day like that, London seems beyond sad.
Moody, perhaps.

But I know, being a shoulder London has cried on.
We know.

If you look harder it’s just London getting ready to start all over again.

The rain-like tears, cleanse and make new what was once dirty and old.

It’s rejuvenation that is taking place.

A rebirth. Born-again.

London is beautiful like this.

But today,
Oh today, on a day like this,
London raises it’s head, stands even taller and smiles.

Music fills the air like a soundtrack to London life.
You feel brazen.
Feel child-like.
Feel naughty.

The hardness is there, it’s still there underneath the skin,
Where the heart thumps it’s angry chorus
And the beat times itself to the beat of those it holds.

But today,
Oh today, on a day like this,
When the sun is out,
London shines.

©

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My Smile = My Strength

Posted on February 18, 2010. Filed under: Poetry | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , |

In the bad, if I can still smile,
I know I am strong.

In the confusing,
When all I can do is laugh,
I know I have power.

When I smile in the uncertain,
Know that I am not crazy.
It’s just my strength in demonstration.

When the world says I smile too much,
I laugh.
I smile.
Perhaps the world is frightened by my vigour.

As the world around starts to crumble – My world,
It’s my smile that makes me stand firm.

When they say “you can’t surely be happy all the time?”
No, not all the time,
But my smile pulls me through.

Please, never take my kind heart,
Pleasant words or my smile for weakness.

Like still waters that run deep,
And calm volcanoes that rumble and erupt,
My smile hides many things.

But one thing my smile will never hide is my strength.

©

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At Home In My Head

Posted on February 8, 2010. Filed under: Poetry | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , |

At home in my head;
This is where I live.

When the world hurts my core,
This is where I come.

From the harshness of reality,
Here is where I find peace.

From the rude awakening of those around me,
Here is where I hide.

When my heart can no longer take the evils or fight the giants,
I curl up in a ball here.

Right here is where I resort. 

When I can’t run, walk or crawl, 
This is where I am.

Don’t look for me.
Don’t ask of me.
Don’t come to me.
I will not let you in.

When I’m ready;
Strong enough to come outside,
To face you,
To stand up strong,
I’ll slowly show my head.

I’ll be Ok.
I’ll be fine.
I’ll smile again – I always do!

But please, just for now,
Let me go home.

©

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A Letter to P.A.

Posted on February 6, 2010. Filed under: Poetry | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , |

Dear P,

I’ve wanted to write this letter for so long with every intention of giving it to you one day.

But I never did as my heart was filled with all sorts of fears;
Known and unknown.

So I commit myself to writing this to you here in hope one day you may stumble upon it.

You were a great guy.
A man with heart.
A strong and determined character that I admired.

You might laugh because your situation at the time was, somewhat, precarious, but you were inspirational.
I loved talking to you.
Hearing you laugh.
Hearing all the positive things you had to say about life.
About Me.

We clicked like we had known we would for ever.
We told stories of our lives, our hearts and battles and scars.

Yes, there were times when you became overwhelmed by it all. By your life. I could see that,
But in some ways, I turned a blind eye hoping and praying my love was enough.
And at times it was.

I wanted more of you. More from you,
But you were not in such a place to give.
And for this I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for looking but not seeing.
I’m sorry for listening but not hearing.
I’m sorry for wanting and not needing.
I’m sorry for the space I gave you and the times I gave you none.

I didn’t understand the fight, I just saw the fighter.

When I left, I put you to the back of my mind.
The realisation that this was bigger than me became too real.
It was bigger than my hopes or my dreams.

Though, you never left the forefront of my heart.
It is all still so real.
God brought us together;
We tore us apart.

I wanted what I wanted without much thought.

Now you are not totally blameless in all that took place,
So I put my hands up for what I did.
I too was responsible for our fall.

So now I wish you well.

I will always remember you the way you were. I fell in love with a dream.
x

©

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The Scariest Word in the World

Posted on February 2, 2010. Filed under: Poetry | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , |

I’m scared of the word Yes – sometimes, I am.

Because Yes means, falling and hoping someone else will catch you.

Yes means letting them know you’re breakable.

Yes means giving them some power over your heart.

Yes means telling them what you really feel.

Yes means letting them see the REAL you.

Yes means showing them your crazy side.

Yes means allowing them to make it all better.

Yes means saying No to control!

Yes means crying whilst they hold you.

Ultimately, Yes means letting them love you. 

Yes!

Yes means I’m not scared of Yes anymore.

©

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It’s Child’s Play

Posted on January 29, 2010. Filed under: Poetry | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , |

 

As grown as I am,
Sometimes I don’t want to be.

I love to be me.
I like being me.
I just want to be the child that I used to be.

Just for a day.

I wish I could play all day,
And only stop when night blankets me.

I wish I could laugh at anything, anywhere;
Drawing smiles, not stares.

I want to be free to act silly;
And silly is all it would be.

I would ask questions about the sky, universe, monsters and sea creatures,
And dream I explored these as such.

I would ask about love,
And hope to find it.

I’d say all I want to say with the freedom to do so,
“I love you”
“I hate you”
“I’m not your friend”
Oh, how free I would be.

I’d do something for the fun of it,
Not concerned with financial gain.
Not concerned with personal ruin.

Just for a day.

Esteem would be high,
Self consciousness, put to rest.

I’d see right through the false,
And steer towards the beautiful soul in others.
Knowing well those who mean me harm,
Knowing even better those who have nothing but love.

Adventure would be my middle name;
Fear would have no place here.

Returning home to the unconditional love,
Re-fuelling my mind, body and my spirit.
Ready to explore another time.

Just for a day.

Oh, just for a day.

©

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Things I’ve Learnt Before 30

Posted on January 27, 2010. Filed under: Articles | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , |

Well, it’s official, I am about to turn 30 soon!

I’d like to say ‘gosh, it’s just crept up on me’ but honestly, it hasn’t. I’ve been ‘counting down’ since I was 26! I’ve sat down and dissected the approaching 3.0 with friends and done the whole “I’m not ready”, “at least you don’t look it” and
“Only 4 years to go”
“Only 3 years to go”
“Only 2…” well, you get the picture.

My birthdays actually in March but have been mentioning it to people for a good few months now. See I’m the sort of person who likes to get an early jump on my birthday. Honestly, I’m worse than my 7 year old son. I literally jump up and down on the day with excitement.

Hey, I’m exceptionnelle!
And no, that’s not a fancy word for crazy!!!
Just another way of saying I’m unique.
That is a little crazy mind…
But anyhoo, back to me turning 30.

So for a while now I’ve been speaking to friends and family about what they think they can or will say they’ve learnt before turning 30.

Now I don’t mean what you’ve achieved before you turn 30. That’s something entirely different. And is likely to have many in tears. The purpose of this is not to make you or I cry!!!

No.

It’s just for fun, and I stress fun because even if you feel you haven’t learnt a thing in your 29 years and 11months, be positive, you have a whole month to catch up. But honestly, and this isn’t to rain on your parade, if you haven’t learnt anything about yourself, society, relationships etc in 29 years and 11months, perhaps you should just, um…

Here you go, here’s a Kleenex!!

So what I’d really like to do is show you a list I compiled a few months ago after a conversation I had with my family about turning 30.

This list is what I feel I’ve learnt in my 29 years and 10 months:

Money:

  1. It’s not a savings account if you take out more than you put in on a daily basis.
  2. Pay day is like watching snow fall. You may be excited at the prospect of snow arriving, but you know full well that the majority of the time as soon as it hits the ground, it disappears.
  3. Credit is like a roller coaster ride – fun at first, but sooner or later you’ll be so sick that you want to get off.
  4. It is possible to spread one item you’re paying for over 3 or 4 debit (DEBIT) cards. Just don’t expect a smile from the sales assistant.
  5. Haggling is the same as flirting. I’m so bad at haggling, but can flirt my way out of paying full price for that item.

 Work:

  1. You finish work at 5pm, so you can’t understand why your boss is hissing at you as you stand to put your coat on at 4.58pm. Honestly, you’ve still got 2 more minutes! Tut tut tut!
  2. It’s amazing just how much weight you actually put on at work. Don’t know why, you never have lunch and just eat cakes and biscuits and crisps and chocolates and…
  3. You can’t believe you’ve been made to work when it’s snowing outside. I mean who’s going to use my makeshift snow-sledge now. It’ll just sit there…
  4. Day dreaming in meetings is always a big no-no. It’s all in the eyes. Not to mention the way you just jumped when a question was directed to you. “Sorry, can you repeat the question please?” “Yes how do you spell your surname? I’m writing your termination letter!”
  5. For some reason, you go into so much depth about the day’s weather at work. You suddenly become the world’s greatest weather man/woman. “I know this weather is terrible. It was spitting earlier, but by afternoon we’re expecting light rain. Looks like we will have some heavy showers come evening, with a torrential down-pour come tomorrow morning…”

Relationships

  1. What’s a r-e-l-a-t-i-o-n-s-h-i-p?
  2. Enough with the dating rules. Don’t call after 3 days, distance yourself for 2 weeks, don’t kiss on date number 6… I mean… oh wait, truth just hit home. Not a good feeling!
  3. Never fight over a man! He’s made his choice so let him go in peace. No, now put that crowbar down!!!
  4. Don’t get so carried away with the idea of wedding bells ladies, remember, it’s a day, less than 24hours. Really think about it – is this the person you want to spend your life with? If so, let’s do it. If not, it’s probably a good idea to tell him. (Oh, look at me getting all serious. Scared myself just then!)
  5. Getting over someone else by dating another works only temporarily. You still need to deal with your ‘stuff’ from the previous relationship before you can properly move on. Did someone order a psycho new partner? Anyone?

Friendships

  1. Your circle of friends gets smaller as you get older and much more precious! Sorry nothing funny here, just having a real ‘hug’ moment.
  2. It is okay to have a best friend at 29. Actually it’s the best having a best friend at 29. As life get’s crazier, so do the both of you!!!
  3. Your guy can’t understand how it’s possible for you to sit on the phone talking to your friend for 2 hours even though you just saw her half an hour ago.
  4. The greatest friends of all love you just the way you are. Don’t imitate. Encourage you and tell you how it really is. Now if I can just do that for them, then I’m set!! I’m kidding, of course; I am THE greatest friend! (Note to self: modesty is a wonderful trait in building friendships!)
  5. You can laugh about any and everything with the right friend by your side. It’s the most beautiful way of getting through tough times. “Remember, ahaha, remember that time I broke my leg…hahahah…”

Family

  1. Everything to do with family is personal and classified. It’s very important to choose who you give information to about your family. Period.  Oh sorry to go all Mission: Impossible.

And lastly, Me:

  1. I’m much stronger than I thought
  2. My wonderful son thinks I’m cool!
  3. I don’t need every cosmetic advertised. Yes, I know it leaves your skin flawlessly flawless, when the other just leaves it flawless, but NO!
  4. I DO need my 8 hours as I get older!! Seriously!
  5. I need to give myself a break every now and again.

Well, I think that’s pretty much it. I’ve obviously learnt a lot more (she say’s hoping) but it’s a blog site, not my final dissertation so I think I’ll end it there and start looking forward to turning 30!

©

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A Perfect Realisation

Posted on January 23, 2010. Filed under: Poetry | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , |

When all around you are losing their heads, you maintain yours.
Taking pride in your grip.

With a dedication to strength and a will for survival; you’re a rock.
Nothing can move you.
Nothing penetrates.

You are refined by fire,
Sweat-less by its heat.
Unhurt by its power.

Hardened to some, yet purely withstanding to you.
You understand what needs to be done and do it you will.

You fight everyday for perfection, or near enough.
You cannot tolerate defeat. Loss is not in your vocabulary.
Your unflinching demeanour scares others,
Leaving others in awe.
And is, quite simply, astonishing.

Then you break.
I see it in you,
I know you’ve hit.

You refuse to let go.
Refuse to relinquish control.

Stop fighting, I say.
You’re working too hard.

Let things go,
You can’t own it all.

It’s Ok, It’s human and I totally understand.

Perfection is a dream, I say.
So wake up!

And then I wake up.
And then I’m free.

And then I realise what a perfect day this will be.
©

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Me, Myself and Music (In This for Life!)

Posted on January 14, 2010. Filed under: Music, Poetry | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , |

In light of the musical talent we’ve lost recently (known and unknown), I feel I have to dedicated this poem to those who gave their lives to giving us music. Thank you. RIP.x

We’re in love, you and I.
I can tell by the way you make me feel.

You encompass every part of me,
Almost knowing, predicting my mood.

You soothe the parts of me that are out of line,
And go to work on my soul like the god that you are.

Alone, we are a force.
Beating, running, jumping, swaying.
You move me beyond recognition.
You move me beyond thought.
You move me.

When you touch me,
The emotion stays with me.
I never forget when.
I never forget where.
Engraved in my memory.

I love that when I’m feeling silly,
You’re silly with me.
When I’m feeling love, you love with me.
When my heart aches,
You understand.

When I hate,
Like a supportive friend,
You hate right along with me.

But not completely submissive;
You’re strong,
You hold yours.
You take control when need be.
Oh yes, you take control.

Pulling me out of the deep,
Bringing me into light.
Damn, you hit hard,
But mean well.
Always.

You are slightly twisted though.
Turning a perfect day into living hell.
I cross that love line at this point,
As I do hate that side of you.

Regardless, you’re there.

I need you there.
I want you there.
I love you there.

And no matter where I go,
What I’m doing,
How I’m feeling,
Or who I’m with,
It will always be us.

It will always be You and Me, Music.
I’m in this for life!

©

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